I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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