Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I looked at my own cervix.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
