i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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