I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
