Hey man sorry I got all grabby
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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