there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
