i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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