he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
