Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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