yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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