Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Everyone says I win the strip club
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
