I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
it's not cheating when I paid for it
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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