I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
