I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
