you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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