I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
