I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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