Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
