You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
