I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
