took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
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