Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
