Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
