My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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