i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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