Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
