Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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