I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
