I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
