If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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