Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.