I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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