I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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