He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
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My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
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I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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