i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
