You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
third nipple confirmed
And then my night got REAL pukey
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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