apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We got so high we made milksteak
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
