i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
