a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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