I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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