somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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