he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I wish i was in the wii world.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
