dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
