everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
