bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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