You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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