He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
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