Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
