Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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