i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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