I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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