My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
