Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
