you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
