I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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