I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
