those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
