Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
i now understand why vodka
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
