My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
