this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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