There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
